The Story I Never Wanted to Tell

I prayed I would never have to write a post like this. But here we are, and I’m using the space I have here to tell a story about a miscarriage.

Every pregnancy is different. Every woman is different. I didn’t want to join the ranks of mother’s who’ve went through a miscarriage. I’ve prayed every pregnancy that this wouldn’t ever happen. But it did.

After a week or so of feeling not quite right…and not quite pregnant anymore (which is hard to explain), we started worrying that something was wrong. I’ll not go into detail here, but after a week of questions we got our answer about what was going on inside. No more pregnancy was the final answer.

People will tell a woman going through this that the Lord knows best or that your body just knew that this wasn’t going to be a viable pregnancy. While these things do help to know, you still wish it wasn’t the truth.

I had a few moments of thinking everything would be okay but I didn’t let my hopes rise too much because sometimes you just have an intuition telling you the truth.

As we tried getting to sleep while processing through all this, I had one thing pop into my mind. It was an old hymn, some of you may know it.

“Do the tears fall down your cheeks unbidden? Tell it to Jesus alone.” Tell it to Jesus played over and over, and looking back I am thankful I had the quiet hours of the night to reflect and pray and sort everything out in my mind. It was a great mercy to let this happen when I could have time to process what was going on.

Of course, all sorts of crazy thoughts raced through my mind as I had that constant stream of the peace of the Lord. I had to shew those crazy thoughts away and hook myself onto the rock that I knew was solid.

After a conflicted and sorrowful night, our family went up to the mountains to be alone and get some fresh air. We always go to the mountains when we’re going through hard times and it always proves to be a balm to us. (“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2) This time was no different. The night before was stormy– literally, our power had gone out and it rained all night. But the morning was so beautiful and the weather was perfect for January. It was warm and pleasant so walking around Tremont and being in nature helped heal me just a little more.

Through a painful stormy night, joy came in the morning, just like God promised in Psalm 30:5. “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” We were so thankful for this.

When you get to thinking about such hard things, many truths become more real. Maybe this is why this happened to me. I learn new things every time we go through trials we’d rather not have to walk through. And I thought sharing them might help someone else understand if they’re going through a hard time, too.

This truth is real: there is a part of me that is already with Jesus. It feels weird to write. It’s something I haven’t been able to say until now. We believe that life begins at conception. If I had a living being in my body, that isn’t there anymore, then my baby is with the Lord.

My mother shared something profound with me that she had read: A baby that hasn’t been born yet hasn’t even had the opportunity to be “born” into sin. All of us who have been born, have been born sinners and in need of Jesus to save us. These little ones that haven’t breathed outside the womb are spared the stain of sin. They are acceptable before God and He carries them right into heaven with him. Regardless of your theological leanings, this is a great comfort, isn’t it?

I thought it was.

My family is so blessed and thankful for everyone that covered us in prayer during this time. We certainly felt them and we are at peace and are comforted by His Spirit. It’s our desire that this experience will glorify our God in a great way and comfort anyone else that has been through the same thing.

John 1:16 “And from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”